Tuesday, April 30, 2013

The Bleeping Bleep Report (Ep 9)

The Bleeping Bleep Report
for Hell's Kitchen - Episode 9
first aired 04/30/2013

After some very tepid bleeping from last week, things seem to be back to normal for the crew at Hell's Kitchen.  Here are the numbers:

Chef Gordon Ramsay:  31
Barrett:  10
Susan:  0
Nedra:  15
Ray:  14
Zach:  4
Anthony:  2
Jacqueline:  8
Amanda:  13
Cyndi:  4
Jon:  8
Mary:  0
Ja'nel:  1
Michael:  2
Unknown:  6
Total:  108
An average of 2.57 per minute or one bleep every 23 seconds based on a 42 minute air time.

One other notable item:  At the end of the episode, Chef Ramsay didn't say "Piss off" or "Bleep off".  He said, "Leave me alone."  Very Garbo-esque.

The Red Team lost and put up Amanda and Jacqueline for elimination.  After a commercial break's deliberation, Chef Ramsay booted Jacqueline. 

Ta ta Jacqueline.  May you go on to be the chef we all know you can be. 

Every one else can bleep off.

Russell

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

The Bleeping Bleep Report (Ep 8)

The Bleeping Bleep Report
for Hell's Kitchen - Episode 8
First Aired 04/23/2013
 
Shocking:  Chef Gordon Ramsay DID NOT have the most number of bleeps today.
 
Chef Gordon Ramsay:  12
Barrett:  10
Susan:  0
Nedra:  8
Ray:  2
Zach:  7
Anthony:  0
Dan:  17
Jacqueline:  1
Amanda:  3
Cyndi:  1
Jon:  10
Mary:  0
Ja'nel:  0
Michael:  12
Unknown:  3
Total:  86
That is approximately 2 per minute or 1 bleep every 29.3 seconds based on a 42 minute air time.
 
Special mentions:
  1. These numbers are down again.  It would seem the dinner services are getting better.
  2. Dan had three "silent bleeps" when the editors blurred out his universal fowl symbold for [bleep] off.
  3. Mary - Mary? - Mary!  Miss mary whispered "Oh, my gosh!" when barrett served up raw chicken.  I almost counted that as a bleep.
 
Released:  Dan and Barrett were selected for elimination.  Dan was punted.  Good bye Dan.  May you put this fiasco behind you and succeed in your future endeavors.
 
Everyone else can bleep off.
 
Russell

Friday, April 19, 2013

Who Saved the Beluga Whale

The Beluga Whale - Delphinapterus leucas - is an Arctic and sub-Arctic cetacean.  It is also known as the White Whale;  although the term Whale is not completely accurate as "whale" usually denotes a baleen dental structure.  The Beluga is really a member of the suborder Odenticeti, or toothed cetaceans (including dolphins and porpoises).

The beluga is listed as "nearly threatened" by the Endangered Species Act.  But that is slightly misleading as its population has been growing, albeit slowly, since the early 1930's.  The worldwide population is now estimated to be 150,000.  The main threats to the beluga population are 1) hunting (by humans), 2) predation (by killer whales and polar bears), 3) habitat contamination (especially in rivers), and 4) disease.

But this is background information only.  I am focusing on the "threat" that no longer exists.  The unlisted threat that (shamefully) nearly drove the beluga into extinction in the 1920's.  But at the same time, this threat also deserves credit for saving the beluga.
I am, of course, speaking of the Automobile industry.

It was the Gilded Age.  Although humbled by the sinking of the Titanic, it had found new life in flight and in the burgeoning automotive industry.  The internal combustion engine had been invented almost twenty five years earlier.  But, due to costs, almost nobody could afford a car until mass pruduction techniques lowered the car's price substantially.

But technology and the law would collide to create the unintended consequence of the beluga's near-demise.  Relevant to this was inter-vehicle communications.  Today, we mearly honk our horns.  But early motorists, when coming to an intersection, were required by law to disembark from their vehicle, look both ways, fire a gun (preferably a shotgun) in the air warning other motorists in the area, and look both ways down the intersection again before re-entering their vehicles and continuing through the crossroads.

Of course, when there were only a few thousand cars nationwide, this was not a material problem.  But, with Ford's Model T, the resulting mass of automobiles required new laws for the new-fangled machines.  It took hours for lines of cars to get through intersections and the constant gunfire was scaring the horses and wounding pedestrians.  A new law limiting the number of vehicles on the roads to three was proposed but later killed in committee when politicians realized how much tax revenue would be lost.

So, what to do about the literal, legal, and metaphorical roadblock?  Some new method was needed to allow drivers to communicate with each other without getting out of their cars, without scaring horses (still prevalent on the streets), and without injuring pedestrians.

Enter the beluga whale.  They produced a high-pitched tweeting sound that was audible for several city blocks.  They were plentiful.  But most of all, they were small enough to cram into an automobile's engine compartment.  After pushing and pulling the cetacean into place, it was a simple matter of attaching electrical wires to the pectoral and dorsal fins and then manage the electrical discharges via a simple switch in the passenger compartment.

And viola!  The automobile horn was born!

At this point, most readers will be completely incredulous at the very idea that Belugas could be used in this manner.  But collective memories are short.  So let us review a few historical facts.
  1. As seen above, a new inter-automotive communication system was needed.
  2. The Beluga Whale emits a strong, audible sound.
  3. The Beluga Whales (especially infants and pups) are relatively small.
  4. Early automobile engines were also relatively small.
  5. Man's superiority over nature was unquestioned.
  6. Electricity was widely accepted as a way to produce involuntary reactions (which contunues to this day).
Visit any substantially large vintage automobile show and closely evaluate any antique motor car from the 1910's and 1920's.  Notce that the engine cover (or hood - as it is known today) is much larger than the engine it covers.  It had bo be.  The extra room in the engine compartment was necessary to accomodate the beluga whale, which would have been a standard safety feature of any car during the Roaring Twenties.

For two or three years (depending upon the automotive historian you interview), all was well.  However, severe drawbacks became very apparent.
  1. The electrical jolt necessary to get the beluga to wail often shorted out the electrical system.
  2. Motorists had to stop every two miles to wet the white whale down.  By the way, this is the original reason for water being available with air at filling stations.
  3. The beluga consumes approximately 800 poinds of food per day.
  4. It poops about 600 pounds per day.
  5. The dwindling infrastructure of the Whaling Industry could not keep up with demand.
  6. The beluga (a tooth-baring cetacean) frequently bit the very people who were trying to care for it.  Side note:  "Biting the hand that feeds you." refers to the Beluga Whale, not to dogs.
  7. At unpredictable intervals, the Beluga would try to escape - producing cataclysmic results to the automobile's suspension at the very least and in other cases forcing the horseless carriage into buildings or oncoming traffic.  Although, Laurel and Hardy did have two scenes in separate films where such incidences produced hysterical results.
This situation was dire.  Purchases of Shotguns escalated.  Pedestrians purchased surplus World War One helmits.  Stock prices of buggy whip companies rose sharply.  City and State legislatures were once again considering the limit of 3 cars per city block.  All of these were in anticipation of the demise of the Beluga.

Enter DELCO (Dayton Engineering Laboritories Company) of Dayton, OH,  Already a prestigious firm for creating an electic motor for NCR's cash registers in 1906 and inventing the electric car starter in 1911, DELCO set out to conquer the daunting task of saving both the auto industry and the Beluga Whales.

AND SO THEY DID!!  In just 42 working days from concept to prototype, DELCO created the first ELECTRIC car horn.  There was a small delay, as they tried to copy the high-ptiched tweet of the whale.  But they settled on a sound reminiscent of the noble beasts name:  "Ba-looo-gah!"  Tears of joy filled the streets of every city from Boston to New York.  Rehabitated whales were released into the wild where they were preyed upon by the inuit tribes and killer whales.

Today, antique car horns are still made by companies such as Assured Automotive Products - who sells an antique "Ah-hoo-ga" horn to avoid copyright infringement lawsuites.  But everyone knows they are flattering the original.

And so, with the help of the very industry that would have destroyed them, the Beluga Whale was saved. 

Long live Detroit!
Long live the Beluga Whale!  (which is realy an odenticeti)

And now you know ... the rest of the story.  (um ... I'm still trying to get this cleared by my attorney)

Russell

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Barbeque Snobs

I have worked in several restaurants: Steack pleces, Mexican Food, Fast Food, Carnival Food, and Bar & Grill food. 

But never, ever in my life have I witnessed the nearly insance commitment to a certain food as displayed by BBQ Snobs.

I'm really serious here.

Let me be very clear.  A BBQ Snob IS NOT THE SAME AS a BBQ Enthusiast.  

Enthusiasts enjoy their food.  They seek out new experiences.  They are willing to try something different.  It may not be to their liking, but they'll still enjoy the day.  And they may even give you a few hints on what needs changing.  But an enthusiast will never - ever - under any circumstances - hate you personally just because the food you offer isn't precisely what they expect.

Watch the Food Network's TV show "Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives".  The host for this show is an Enthusiast (a "devotee" at the very worst).

BBQ Snobs, on the other hand, won't even give you the time of day.  In December of 2012, a Snob walked into my BBQ establishment and asked, "Where's your peht (sic)?" -- by "peht", he meant "pit", ss in "Where's your BBQ Pit?"  I tried to explain that local city ordinances forbade open flames in buildings where multiple businesses share the same walls.  But he left when I said, "Local city ordinances".  His lips pruned up and his nostrils flared.  Did I say something wrong?

He immediately left in a litteral huff.  Yes, the 'huffing' was audible as he departed the building and got into his automobile.

If you are a BBQ Enthusiast, please come in.  I'd love to meet you - even if you don't like our BBQ.  But if you are a Snot - ah ,,, I mean ... uh ... snob - go back to your favorite place and leave us alone.

Thank you,
Russell Britt

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

The Bleeping Bleep Report (Ep 7)

The Bleeping Bleep Report for ...
Hell's Kitchen:  Episode 7
First aired 04/16/2013

Old Business:  When last we left our merry band, four chefs were up for elimination: Mary, Nedra, Ray, and Dan.  Chef Ramsay did something he's never done before.  My guess was that he'd switch the contestants to the opposite teams.  And again, I was wrong. 

Instead, Chef Ramsay placed all four competing chefs on probation.  They either had to earn their respective Team Jackets back or they would be eliminated.

Good news!  They all earned their jackets back before the end of the episode. 

And now back to the Bleeping Bleep counts ,,,

Chef Gordon Ramsay:  14
Barrett:  3
Susan:  3
Nedra:  4
Ray:  2
Zach:  3
Anthony:  5
Jessica:  2
Dan:  10
Jacqueline:  0
Amanda:  0
Cyndi:  1
Jon:  0
Mary:  0
Danielle:  0
Ja'nel:  0
Michael:  5
Unknown:  3
Total:  55
Or ... 1.31 per minute or one bleep every 45 seconds based on a 42 minute air time.

This total is way down from any average.  The gang was either tired or on prozac tonight. 

Based on the dinner performance, both teams lost.  Each was tasked with selecting two chefs for eliminations.  They chose: Jessica, Susan, Ray, and Dan.

Ray had a bad night.  He couldn't keep up with a Chef's Table service.  Susan didn't communicate - at all.  And Jessica looked like she was asleep through the whole service.

Dan's selection for elimination was based on his prior performances.  Chef Ramsay chastised the Men's Team for choosing Dan because he did a really good job working his station this evening.  Dan was sent back to the Men's Team immediately.

This brings up a general point of curiosity for me regarding the contest.  Not everything done by the contestants gets aired and it's difficult to pick up the more subtle points of service on the television.  I wonder what the competing chefs see that we done't notice as audience members?

In the end, Jessica was eliminated from the competition.  Farewell Jessica.  May your future be bright.

As for everyone else, "Bleep off".
Russell

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Five Ways to Slow Down Your Waiter

Speed is the key to the restaurant business.  (OK, speed is the key to almost everything).  Many waiters will do what they can to show you the love and patience demonstrated by saints.  But the bottom line is ... turning those tables!  All other things being equal, getting 20% tips on eight tables will not bring as much money as earning 15% tips on 12 tables.  Thus, any delays in service can mean the difference between a good night and a great night; between paying the utilites and paying the rent.

So this could really be called "The List of Things that will Slow Your Waiter Down and thus piss him off."  Why?  Again ... speed.  Everything in the restaurant is subconsciously organized around making orders fast and expediting a quick exit for the guest.  Any extraneous issues require extra time - and probably lots of it.

So, here is a list of things that will slow your waiter down.
  1. You have a coupon: The waiter's world will come to a dead stop while he looks for a manager to redeem your coupon.  He has to search the entire restaurant, including the kitchen and the office, then pray the manager isn't busy doing something else.  Elapsed time:  5 to 10 minutes in real life.  A cumulative 20 to 40 minutes when you realize he's serving four tables.
  2. Lots of Separate Checks:  two friends with separate chacks?  No problem.   Four co-workers on separate checks?  Um ... OK.  A party of twelve with 9 separate checks?  You've got to be kidding.  The waiter will need to be extra careful when taking the order, extra careful entering the order in the Point of Sale system, and his world will come to a crashing halt when the checks are presented and paid out.  Elapsed time:  onother 10 to 12 minutes in real time with the same impact as the coupon listed above.  What happens when the waiter has to deal with coupons and separate checks?  Please consult your Time and Space Theoretician.
  3. You order desserts that have to be made:  no waiter minds reaching in the fridge for a dessert (e.g. cheesecake, carrot cake, etc.).  But if the dessert must be assembled ... he screams like Charlie Brown.  Examples include the Caramel Pecan Sundae at O'Charley's, the fudge brownie sundae at any restaurant, and any ice cream drink that has to be made by the bartender.  What's wrong with the Ice Cream Drink?  The Bartender doesn't like to make them, so they tend to come out after the Barkeep pours out several beers.
  4. Birthdays:  As I told a friend who quit O'Charley's, "Ally, you're going to miss this place.  You're going to miss the mayhem on Saturday nights and holidays.  You're going to miss the Managers ... all of them.  You're going to miss the grumpy cook behind the sautee station.  You're even going to miss me.  But you will never, ever in a million years miss dropping everything you're doing during the utterly insane dinner rush to sing Happy Birthday."  Yep, another 2 to 5 minutes multiplied by every waiter in the restaurant.
  5. Asking for samples:  Over the last 30 years, restaurant-goers have become more sophisticated and more demanding.  Asking for samples is an excellent example of that evolution.  And it makes sense.  Dining out has become much more expensive over the last 30 years.  The risk of getting something you don't like is a real possibility.  So what's the issue?  It's not the same thing as getting a tast of fancy ice cream at Baskin Robbins.  The waiter has to completely dedicate the time to getting the sample from the (most likely very busy) cook.  And by the way, you'll never ever get a sample of any entree item (e.g. steak, fish, chicken, etc.).  That and it will keep the guest at the table for another 5 to 10 minutes total.  This could prevent the waiter from turning the table one last time that evening.
And so you ask, "Russell, do you hate people?  Do you not understand the hospitality industry?"

"No, I don't hate people.  Yes, I understand the industry."

I will never, ever let you know that any of these things sets me back financially.  In fact, if the restaurant is slow, I have everything to gain by pampering you.  These five things really only upset the cart when the restaurant is full and busy ... when there is a 30 minute wait at the door.  Your waiter has to make money, too.  And serving more tables is the only sure way to achieve that goal.

This has been a public service announcement from Russell Britt.
"Thank you for patronizing me."

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

The Bleeping Bleep Report (Ep. 6)

The "Bleeping Bleep Report"

for Hell's Kitchen (Episode 6) on April 9th, 2013.

At the end of Episode 5, Ramsay told the two weakest links on the women's team to get back in line and then kept us guessing who would be eliminated from the competition.  My guess was that, since Gina had quit back in Episode 3 or 4, he was going to take this opportunity to let the group off with a pass for one week.

I was wrong.  Really wrong.

Chef Ramsay said, "There's one person here who is in way over their head."  And then he eliminated Jeremy.  Well, Gordon made a legitimate call.  Jeremy had served one of the sample dishes that had been sitting out at room temperature for over an hour.  It was only a matter of time before this young man would be tossed.  Good luck to you in the future Jeremy.

Last week, the bleep count was way, way down.  I surmised that doing a breakfast service on very little sleep had something to do with it.  And I think I was onto something because this week's bleep count is back to normal -- with five outstanding performances.  Here's the raw bleep count:

Chef Gordon Ramsay:  45
Jean Phillipe Susilovic (Maitre D'):  1  (what?  The Maitre D; got one in?  That's a first!)
James Avery (Sous Chef for the men's team):  2
Barrett:  2
Susan:  2
Nedra:  23
Ray:  26
Zach:  4
Anthony:  3
Jessica:  1
Dan:  14
Jacqueline:  4
Amanda:  3
Cyndi:  0
Jon:  0
Mary:  0
Danielle:  0
Ja'nel:  0
Michael:  1
Jeremy:  0
Unknown:  9
Total Bleeps:  131
That's approxiately 3.12 per minute or one bleep every 19 seconds based on a 42 minute air time.

The big surprises:
  1. Chef Ramsay really outdid himself.  His average bleep count this year has been around 27 to 30 per episode.
  2. Jean Phillipe:  He hardly ever gets to talk to anybody.  And when he does, it's usually just advice.  But when Barrett screwed up in the Dining Area, Jean just couldn't help himself.
  3. James Avery:  The Sous Chefs on Hell's Kitchen almost never get heard.  But James was more than a little disappointed with the men's team and let them know about it.
  4. Nedra:  She has been the lead epithet hurler of all the contestants this year.  But today, Nedra outdid herself.  She went on two tirades today.
  5. Ray:  He's the oldest contestant and usually assumes a laid-back demeanor.  But something about Dan got under Ray's skin and he let his whistle blow.
Special Mention goes to Dan.  In a tiff with Ray, Dan shot back that he was ready to tangle and said, "Bring it on like Donkey Kong."  REALLY ??!!  Like Donkey Kong?  I wonder how much of the viewing audience was old enough to understand that reference?

On a side note .... I'm predicting that Anthony and Ja'nel will be among the final four contestants.  They seem to do the best job staying in control (for now).

The episode ended with 4 chefs up for elimination: Mary, Nedra, Ray, and Dan.  Chef Ramsay pulled a cliff-hanger again,.  We don't officially know who, if anybody, will be eliminated at the beginning of next week's episode.  The editiing certainly did point toward tossing all four chefs mentioned.

However, it is a cliffhanger and so we can speculate.  Here's my guess ...The four chefs up for elimination can be viewed as two pairs of chefs who have trouble working as a team member of their respective kitchens.  Chef Ramsay will pull a fast one and switch the chefs in question to the other team.

But I could be wrong.  After all, I botched the last guess pretty badly.

See you next week.  Until then, bleep off.
Russell